Hi there,

The reason why i write this post may seem a little bit weird but...here it goes. We are a Spanish family and we are having an American girl spending the summer with us. She is 18 and she is family with a friend of my father. I've been to the USA a couple of times and though differences exist i always thought they were not very difficult to overcome. I think that one of the main motivations for travelling is knowing how people react to same situations, that is cultural differences. I am conscius that we always need some time to adjust to new things and that this is her first time abroad. But she is behaving in a way that i don't know if she is shy and very sensitive or just a (very) spoiled child. She always have an attitude of disliking everything. I mean you don't want to cross her on the stairs just to not having to see her face. She is always talking about money: "money is not a problem for me", "my friend didn't have money to pay for that", "How much did you pay for this", etc. I don't think she is showing off because thank God, "money is not a problem for us either", but i just find very unpolite to speak in such a way. We take her to visit Barcelona and she doesn't show any interest in anything. And the big problem (for her) is that my mother is getting somehow angry with her. My mother told her that she had to clean up her room a little everyday (basically do the bed) and the girl started to cry saying that we were invading her space (!!!). She also told once my mum that she drove very bad and that she was starting to feel sick because of her driving. I don't know, that may be true, but you just don't say it. I know americans can be sometimes brutally direct, but i think that when you are in somebody else's house the first rule is being polite and "aguantarse". Yesterday she told us that Europeans and Spaniards in particular say that we have invented or created something when actually it's been the Americans who did it. When we asked in what thing she was thinking about, she just put that "about to cry" face and said "no sé, no sé". At least she's got a good Spanish. So what do you think: she is having her time to adapt or she's a spoiled girl left in the middle of, Oh my God!!, Spain? Muchísimas Gracias,

José

José - without knowing the girl or her particular circumstances, she sounds like a mix of someone spoiled, insecure and quite frankly uncultured, which isn´t unusual for an 18 y.o. American.

Without trying to make excuses for her or any American compatriot and making sweeping generalizations (which I normally hate doing) most American teenagers are very sheltered and underexposed to other cultures except by what they see on the news. Especially if they have not grown up in an urban setting where they would most likely be exposed to people of other races and cultures.

Spaniards are, quite rightfully, proud of their culture and history. Americans are too, what little history (in comparison) we may have. I think she is exercising some of this pride, albeit in an immature way.

With respect to the bedroom scene...sounds like someone spoiled who does not know how to act when a guest in someone else´s house!

Just my humble opinion.

This sounds like a young lady that has a lot of growing up to do. Mother & Father obviously failed to teach her the rudimentary skills of sharing, and becoming part of something, not wanting to bend it to suit your own personal desires. It happens way too often in American families, and I must say, I saw it once myself, in a Spanish family, where the young man (18), from Burgos came to our home, and spent three weeks with us. In both cases, he was, as she is, very spoiled, and used to getting their own way, by acting up.

Growing up is something that comes to people at different ages, but usually seems to happen when they are forced to accept change, and become more self-sufficient. In her case, nothing you can do will ever satisfy her, unless you all do exactly what she wants, when she wants it.

Our son, who spent an entire summer in Spain went through the metamorphisis while he was there. In the beginning, he turned his nose up at foods, and had a rough time adapting. After a while, when he found he was being left out of things by others, who were Spanish, he began to realize it was he who had to change, not them. Where the first month was hell for him and his kind hosts, the second and third month became a joy for all of them. He was lucky that he was able to change, or the whole thing would have been a disaster.

I suggest that you explain to her that her reason for being there is to try to adapt to your culture, and to learn from the experience, not to try to change your ways to meet hers. Explain to her that everyone chips in with the work, and keeps their own "space" clean, because that's how it works in your society. My guess is that it's probably the same in her own family, but she's used the pouting and near tears to get her Mom to do the work for her. It's time for that to end. It's time for her to face her responsibilities, and grow from the experience.

We've seen the opposite occur as well. A young lady who came to the U.S. to attend school for a year, ended up in a family that was "overly-protective." They treated her like a prima donna, and stifled her experience for over a month. The problem was, the people she was staying with, were EF advisors in the area. She'd visit our house, and see how our adopted Spanish son lived, and was part of our family, with equal rights, and felt terrible for her own situation. She wanted to participate in the family, not be treated as a pampered guest.

When we told the host family that they should "lighten up," we were told we didn't know what we were talking about. So... we contacted someone higher up in EF, and they came out and interviewed the girl in our home, instead of the host home. She then left that home, and went to another one, where she was treated as part of the family, and had a happy experience. Needless to say, EF immediately changed their representatives in the area. The woman, host, was actually intimidating youngsters, and trying to "dig up dirt" about the families who were hosting. In other words, she was actually trying to cause trouble, not help create a good environment. In fact, one girl had been placed in a home where she ended up being a "baby-sitting service" for the host family. She was to watch their children every Friday evening, and all day and evening on Saturday. On Sundays, she was to stay in the home, and do things with the family. Her only experience was in school, and they insisted she be home "promptly" after classes ended.

The area rep actually thought that was a good environment. It would "keep her out of trouble." After talking to EF, they agreed it was not a good environment, and that girl was moved too. The rest of her stay was quite happy.

Yes, there are cultural differences, and hosts must respect this when they bring young people into their homes. But, the important thing is that the student learn to adapt to their new surroundings, and learn, and participate in the culture they are living in. They have no business believing that the hosts should change their ways, to accomodate them.

Having quite a bit of experience relating to this area, I have to say, it's time she learns to adapt, and find happiness in the opportunity she has, not find fault with it.

Wolf

My dear Josesf.
As I am reading about your visitor I am laughing because I also had a 17year old visitor here in the US in South Carolina the daughter of a distant cousin from Germany. We did everything we could to make her feel welcome and nothing pleased her. We took her to Myrtle Beach and did a lot but then I could not wait for her to leave. Actually her Mother called from Germany and told me that she could stay a few more weeks. Well I never told her of that and the day at the airport was a great day when the plane was leaving. It is a pity to know that your experience with an American Girl is like that. A lot of American Girls are spoiled and have never been anywhere, but I can promise you I know of many American Girls that would love to be in her place and that would be happy to mold and learn from your family. (my grandson has made up his bed in my home since since he was 4). It seems that her parents are relieved to get a break from there precious little girl. Maybe you need to sit down with her and tell her the facts of life. The Spanish way is a great way of life and so is any other especially when one is lucky enough to be embraced by a family. This girl will never forget her wonderful time in Spain. I hope that you will not judge by this one girl all the other wonderful American Girls.

Jose,
I agree with the other posts. And if worst comes to worst- speak with her parents. And have them have a talk with her.

My senior year of high school we had the daughter of a family friend stay with us and she was very introverted almost the whole time. She ignored us most of the time and locked herself in her room- writing letters to friends and family- she didn't intigrate herself the way she should of in her classes, but did join one of the sports teams. Finally after trying everything- my parents spoke with hers and they told her, while you're in their house, their rules and watch your behavior.

Part of the problem was that she didn't even want to go to the US for a year- you cant (shouldn't ) force a child to do something like that if they don't want to- they don't really learn all that they should and not only are they not happy- but they make the family they are visiting unhappy also.

Also from some of what you've said- it sounds like her parents haven't brought her up teaching her certain things to be a more cultured enlightened individual- they shipped her off hoping the experience abroad would instill it in her- but for that you need a foundation. Yes, she's been rude, just find a way to politely bring it to her attention.

Is there anything she DOES like? Try maybe and use that to bring her out of her shell a bit more- once she lets go she'll probably (hopefully) be more accepting.

Are we that different? Well, yes and no. I grew up somewhere in the middle- my mother being Spanish and father American- but I can tell you- that I have more friends that I would never take or invite to Spain with me than I would be happy to take. Then, on the other hand, I have friends from Spain that you never would have guessed would have such a hard time in the US until they came to visit!

The money issue... perhaps it also has something to do with foreign money. Especially if she hasn't really traveled, and even though the Euro and Dollar are pretty much the same (in concept etc.) it could look like monopoly money to her and she still has no idea what's expensive to what's not or have any idea about limitations (apparently mom and dad just give and give her- money may be an issue- she just may not know it!) Either way, yes, its a bothersome attitude, but in the US depending on where you come from- people are much more blunt about money matters than other places.

I'd suggest have a sit down with her- that happened to me once- I didn't realize I was being antisocial and the Mom of the family (close family friend) brought it to my attention- I was a bit shocked- and felt terrible that I had not been behaving correctly- but after that everything was much better. If that doesn't work- talk to her parents- if anyone- they SHOULD be able to straighten her out- if not, well, invite her to leave early- give her the option-don't let it 'armargar' your life and her parents I'm sure will be much more upset with her behavior especially if it means she has to go back, then with your family- after all you're opening your home to her, the imposition is on you- they should be embarrassed that they can't send their daughter away.

Good luck!

I don't think the behavior Josesf describe in his posting is exclusive in Americans.

I have been an exchange student during the summers as a teenager both in the UK and in Canada and I saw the very same behavior in my Spanish mates and people of other nationalities. They were not able to accept the new way of life and the easiest way out was to criticize their host families, despise they way of life just because it was different and never ever remain at home and just hang out with their friends from Spain. This is sadly what the majority of people do, parents spend their money to give them a good oportunity to learn new things and they do not care.

I had a hard time getting used to my British host family, they were way too different, but I never expected that they would change their ways in order to please me. I even had to live with pets, something I thought I would never be able to do.
My experience in Canada was so much better, to the extent that I have returned around 6 times and have made life-friends who I consider my family. Despite the good experience, I had plenty of adjustments to do, as an only child living in a non-religious household, living in a house with four little children whose father was a Protestant minister proved to be challenging at first. I admit it was not easy, but I am aware now that I look back on it that it has taught me a lot and shaped a great deal the type of person I am today. I was criticized by fellow students because I spent my time at home instead of going to get drunk in the park and complain about how bad Canada was...not my idea of how my stay should be.

I also know that some people are not lucky with the host families, but I believe it is a minority.

I think the girl in Josesf's case is a spoiled brat, somebody who is not aware of the good oportunity she has because she is too busy trying to find things that make her unhappy. DIfferent does not necessarily mean bad, you just have to approach it with an open mind and a willingness to make things work...by my experience I think her attitude has nothing to do with being American, I have seen the very same attitude in SPaniards going abroad, so I think it is a problem with her upbringing and her maturity...good luck!

I agree with the previous posts. More than likely this girl has grown up in a very sheltered environment, and has always had her parents around to fulfill her wants and desires. However, she is also probably experiencing difficulting in adapting to the new country, and culture.

I am now 20, but at 18 I spent the entire summer abroad in Bilbao, and this year spent last semester in Granada. Although the first weeks were hard, I tried to cut myself aways from the other americans, and before long, I loved Spain and didnt want to leave. However, I also remeber some of my peers, like Jonsoniana mentioned, being miserbale, and really overwelmed. Their way of dealing with these feelings was to spend as little time as possible around spaniards, go to McDonalds and talk about things that Spain didnt have. A big waste of time!!!

I really agree that you should sit this girl down and explain the situation from your point of view to her. It may bring her to tears, but those tears also might break her out of her shell, and get her to open up.

Also, give yourself a pat on the back for trying to be such an awesome host family. My host family in Bilbao was amazing, I felt like a memeber of the family, and still do. I keep in close touch with them and they have even visited my family in the USA. However, my host family in Granada was horrible, and I was treated as the live in babysitter who helps pay rent. She should be glad to be living where she is!
Good Luck!
Kelly

Thank you all for this post. Our 14-year-old son is about to leave for a family homestay in Salamanca, and this will be a great introduction to the discussion we will be having about behavior and attitudes in Spain, and the importance of the impression he will make with his Spanish host family.

Thanks a lot to all of you for your quick responses. They have been all very helpful. When i was 13 i spent a summer with an Irish family in a town near Dublin. Though when looking backwards we tend to idealize everything, I reckon getting used to some Irish customs was a little bit hard at the beginning, like timetables for meals. But when there's will to adjust, you finally adjust. And i think the problem with our girl is lack of will. I do not want to be misunderstood about her being American. I've known lots of Americans, some of them were nice some of them weren't, just as Spaniards are. Indeed i have some American friends and i do not share the steorotypes that some Europeans have about them. But it's true that she has not been very exposed to different cultures: she's from somewhere near Yosemite park and she was really surprised when she saw Spanish blacks. What pisses me off is that she is not going to take advantage of what could be a "lifetime" experience to her. For instance, we live in Barcelona and when we alredy knew that she was coming to spend the summer with us but did not have had the pleasure to meet her yet, my parents thought that since they had a wedding in mid-july in Madrid, they could take her with them and spend the weekend there so as to show her the city. But now knowing her and seeing how excited she is about Spanish culture, my parents don't feel like taking her with them. So she is the one missing the opportunity. Anyway we'll see how the situation evolves and i, as her "Spanish brother", will try to diplomatically talk to her. I will keep you all updated. Thanks again,

José

This is a really touchy subject with me because I have very little patience with ill mannered people. Children are a reflection of their parents and it seems quite obvious this young lady has been overly indulged by her parents. Many times it's the parents fault for failing to instruct their children in proper behaviour. They have the notion that the kid will automatically know how to behave and react towards others, especially away from home. Is she an only child? Then that would explain alot towards her behaviour. She may be suffering from "Im A Little Princess" syndrome which her parents may have encouraged. Being away from home is no excuse for bad manners or showing lack of respect towards your guests. I mean...c'mon, the girl is 18yrs old, not 13! She's legally an adult (here in the US), she should know what is proper behaviour. Yes, I would speak with her and find out why she's behaving that way. It could be fear, anxiety, especially if she's never left home. I would remind her that she is a guest in your house and as such the respect shown to her as well as the hospitality should be reciprocated. If its plain rudeness on her part then I would suggest that you ask her to leave. Remember, she's a big girl and tell her directly that if she is that unhappy then you will be more than happy to take her to the airport. Remember the old saying...bad company is like fish, they start to stink after a few days.