Jo-Anne,

In Michigan that would be, "I want to go to Miami!"

Jo-i thought mine was bad LOL

BTW Happy New Year!

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

A police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both finish. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, the old man was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was amazing! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

Oh, My!!!
Oso, this was fantastic, I needed a laugh today!
Carmen

that was funny oso , thanks for the laughter..

Okay, Okay, my turn.

This is a long one and maybe not for mixed company, but after the one above here goes….

A lawyer dies and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter meets him at the gate and says, “Congratulations, you’re the first one who gets to try out our new program.”

New program, the lawyer thinks suspiciously and asked, “What new program?”

“Well our new program goes like this. You get to spend a week in hell and a week in heaven and which ever one you like better, you get to stay there,” says St. Peter.

The lawyer thinks about this a little and says, “Which one do you try out first?”

St. Peter thinks about this and says, “Well, since you’re the first to try out this new program, I’ll let you select.”

The lawyer thinks, well, I might as well get the hardest one done first, after all, I’m a lawyer, if things don’t work out, I can always litigate my way out of it. So he tells St. Peter, “Hell it is.”

Poof. The lawyer is sent to hell for a week.

He gets down there and immediately Satan greets him, “So, you’re a lawyer. We get lots of lawyers down here and they all seem to really like it. Tell me, what did you like to do when you were alive?”

The lawyer thinks about it. “Well, tonight is Saturday night. I like to hit the bars on Saturday night.”

Satan says, “Wow! That’s just great. Saturday night is bar hopping night in hell. You’ll like it. We have lots of bars in hell, no last call, the bars are open all night long.”

So the lawyer hits all the bars in hell with Satan and his minions and demons. They drink more different liquor than the lawyer ever dreamt of and the lawyer just has one heck of a time.

The lawyer wakes up Sunday morning, hungover of course and heads over to see Satan again. He asks Satan, “That was great, but what do you all do Sunday night?”

“Sunday night!!” exclaims Satan. “You’re going to love Sunday night. Sunday night is prostitute night. And of course in hell, we have all sorts of prostitutes. And you can have as many as you can handle. Heck, more if you want!”

So, the lawyer goes out with Satan and his demons once more, he has short women, tall women, women of all color, one at a time, two at a time, even eight at a time.

The lawyer wakes up the next morning, his body aching, his head spinning and once again he meets Satan. And he asks Satan, “Wow. That was really great. But what do you do in hell on Monday nights?”

“Monday nights? You’re kidding. You’re going to love Monday nights. You know what Monday nights are? Monday nights are drug nights. In hell, we have all kinds of drugs.”

So, of course, the lawyer heads out with Satan and his minions once more and he smokes, he snorts, he pops, he mainlines.

The next day he wakes up feeling quite horrible. He really likes hell, but he’s beginning to wonder if he can survive a week in hell. He decides to ask about the activities during his last night in hell. And so he meets Satan once again and asks him what they do on Friday nights in hell.

“Friday nights! Wow, you’re going to love Friday nights. Friday nights are my favorite. Don’t you know what goes on in hell on Friday night?” Satan asks cordially. “By the way, you are gay aren’t you?” he asks punching the lawyer lightly on the shoulder.

“No.” says the lawyer.

“Oh!” says Satan, “then you’re not going to like Friday nights.
This is the funniest one I've heard lately.

I saw this on a website this week. Hope it's not in too bad taste..

A couple on their first visit to Spain stay at a nice hotel in a town where a fiesta is taking place and decide to eat their main evening meals at the hotel.
On the first night they don't know what to eat as the main course. They ask the waiter for some suggestions. He states that in fiesta time it's traditional to eat criadillas (bull's testicles). They're pretty adventurous people so they take his advice. In the end they quite enjoy the meal so later in the week they order the same dish. This time they're a little disappointed as the portion is quite a bit smaller. They complain to the waiter and say "What's the matter, were the bulls a smaller breed today."
"No." Replied the waiter. "Sometimes the bull doesn't always lose."

Tough crowd this week.

And more jokes!

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

-------
A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

------
Airlines Acronyms Explained

Alitalia: Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
Alitalia: Always Late In Take-off Always Late In Arrival
American: Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea
BOAC: Better On A Camel
Delta: Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive
El Al: Every Landing Always Late
Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash
PIA: Perhaps I'll Arrive
Sabena: Such A Bad Experience - Never Again
SAS: Sex After Service
TAP: Take Another Plane
TWA: That Was Awful