Anyone got any good jokes latey?

I don't know but i feel like lauphing.

John Kerry walks into a bar, the bartender says,
"Why the long face ?"

There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."

His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"

Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."

Where's the reference to SPAIN??? This is the General Spain Chatter forum, don'tcha know. All NON-Spain-Related discussions should be posted in the ... ummm.. NON-Spain Discussion forum, eh? I'm moving it there now...

Saludos, MadridMan

Here's one with a "Christmas" Theme:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

Two white horses fell in the mud and three black horses came out.....

Did you get it? or did you also fall in the mud...

Hi All,

I have a joke, but I'm not sure everyone will like it... Let's just leave all hangups at the door and not have a war like we do on the political dicussion threads... cool?

Here it is ( in Spanish):

Un madrileño en Barcelona entra en un bar y pide una caña en castellano.

El camarero se la pone y le dice:
-"Són noranta-cinc cèntims"

El madrileño deja sobre la barra noventa céntimos y sigue tomándose la caña tranquilamente.

A lo que el camarero le dice:
-"Escolti falten cinc cèntims"

Y el madrileño, ni caso, como quien oye llover.

A lo que el camarero, ya rebotado, le suelta:
-"Escolti que em deu cinc cèntims; no em faci muntar un nombre ....M'està escoltant perfectament."

Y el madrileño a lo suyo, tomándose la birrita, como si estuviese sólo en el local.

Por fin, el camarero, rojo de ira y, escupiendo las palabras dice:
-"¡¡Oiga desgraciado!! Me está oyendo y entendiendo perfectamente, págueme los cinco céntimos que me debe"

A lo que el madrileño sonriendo y echando mano al bolsillo para pagarle, contesta:
-"Ya sabía yo que por cinco céntimos acababas hablando castellano.........."

Espero que os guste.
andrew

2 oranges walk into a bar.One looks at the other and says, "your round".

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

"Do I have to eat my Brussel sprouts?"

[img]http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=tbn:4YD1P5lUg3YJ:www.artispower.com/holidays/[/img]

Jo-Anne,

In Michigan that would be, "I want to go to Miami!"

Jo-i thought mine was bad LOL

BTW Happy New Year!

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

A police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both finish. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, the old man was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was amazing! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

Oh, My!!!
Oso, this was fantastic, I needed a laugh today!
Carmen

that was funny oso , thanks for the laughter..

Okay, Okay, my turn.

This is a long one and maybe not for mixed company, but after the one above here goes….

A lawyer dies and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter meets him at the gate and says, “Congratulations, you’re the first one who gets to try out our new program.”

New program, the lawyer thinks suspiciously and asked, “What new program?”

“Well our new program goes like this. You get to spend a week in hell and a week in heaven and which ever one you like better, you get to stay there,” says St. Peter.

The lawyer thinks about this a little and says, “Which one do you try out first?”

St. Peter thinks about this and says, “Well, since you’re the first to try out this new program, I’ll let you select.”

The lawyer thinks, well, I might as well get the hardest one done first, after all, I’m a lawyer, if things don’t work out, I can always litigate my way out of it. So he tells St. Peter, “Hell it is.”

Poof. The lawyer is sent to hell for a week.

He gets down there and immediately Satan greets him, “So, you’re a lawyer. We get lots of lawyers down here and they all seem to really like it. Tell me, what did you like to do when you were alive?”

The lawyer thinks about it. “Well, tonight is Saturday night. I like to hit the bars on Saturday night.”

Satan says, “Wow! That’s just great. Saturday night is bar hopping night in hell. You’ll like it. We have lots of bars in hell, no last call, the bars are open all night long.”

So the lawyer hits all the bars in hell with Satan and his minions and demons. They drink more different liquor than the lawyer ever dreamt of and the lawyer just has one heck of a time.

The lawyer wakes up Sunday morning, hungover of course and heads over to see Satan again. He asks Satan, “That was great, but what do you all do Sunday night?”

“Sunday night!!” exclaims Satan. “You’re going to love Sunday night. Sunday night is prostitute night. And of course in hell, we have all sorts of prostitutes. And you can have as many as you can handle. Heck, more if you want!”

So, the lawyer goes out with Satan and his demons once more, he has short women, tall women, women of all color, one at a time, two at a time, even eight at a time.

The lawyer wakes up the next morning, his body aching, his head spinning and once again he meets Satan. And he asks Satan, “Wow. That was really great. But what do you do in hell on Monday nights?”

“Monday nights? You’re kidding. You’re going to love Monday nights. You know what Monday nights are? Monday nights are drug nights. In hell, we have all kinds of drugs.”

So, of course, the lawyer heads out with Satan and his minions once more and he smokes, he snorts, he pops, he mainlines.

The next day he wakes up feeling quite horrible. He really likes hell, but he’s beginning to wonder if he can survive a week in hell. He decides to ask about the activities during his last night in hell. And so he meets Satan once again and asks him what they do on Friday nights in hell.

“Friday nights! Wow, you’re going to love Friday nights. Friday nights are my favorite. Don’t you know what goes on in hell on Friday night?” Satan asks cordially. “By the way, you are gay aren’t you?” he asks punching the lawyer lightly on the shoulder.

“No.” says the lawyer.

“Oh!” says Satan, “then you’re not going to like Friday nights.
This is the funniest one I've heard lately.

I saw this on a website this week. Hope it's not in too bad taste..

A couple on their first visit to Spain stay at a nice hotel in a town where a fiesta is taking place and decide to eat their main evening meals at the hotel.
On the first night they don't know what to eat as the main course. They ask the waiter for some suggestions. He states that in fiesta time it's traditional to eat criadillas (bull's testicles). They're pretty adventurous people so they take his advice. In the end they quite enjoy the meal so later in the week they order the same dish. This time they're a little disappointed as the portion is quite a bit smaller. They complain to the waiter and say "What's the matter, were the bulls a smaller breed today."
"No." Replied the waiter. "Sometimes the bull doesn't always lose."

Tough crowd this week.

And more jokes!

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

-------
A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

------
Airlines Acronyms Explained

Alitalia: Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
Alitalia: Always Late In Take-off Always Late In Arrival
American: Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea
BOAC: Better On A Camel
Delta: Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive
El Al: Every Landing Always Late
Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash
PIA: Perhaps I'll Arrive
Sabena: Such A Bad Experience - Never Again
SAS: Sex After Service
TAP: Take Another Plane
TWA: That Was Awful

Booklady: Your first one about the Magna Carta,there is probably more truth than humor to that one. I like your breakdown of the airline's names. Written like a seasoned traveler.

A rabbit was skipping through the forest one day when he came across a mountain lion that was getting ready shoot up some heroin. The rabbit stops him and gives him a hug and says, "Oh Mr. Lion, don't do that, it can hurt you, I love you. Come with me and play in the forest. The mountain lion looks at the rabbit rather puzzled but since no one ever told him they loved him, he decided to go with the rabbit.

As they played in the forest they came across a wolf that was going to snort some crack. The rabbit goes up to him and hugs him and says, "Oh no Mr. Wolf, don't do that, we love you! Come with us and play in the forest." The wolf thought it was a bit strange but since he was lonely he decided to join them.

As the rabbit, wolf and mountain lion played in the forest they came across a bear that was smoking some weed. The rabbit goes up to the bear and hugs him and says, "Oh no Mr. Bear"...SLAP!The rabbit goes flying across the woods as the bear smacks him away. The bear grumbles..."G*ddamn rabbit, I hate it when he's on ecstasy!"

Good one OSO!

And for a Oldy but Goody Classic:

A bear and a Rabbitt were taking a crap in the woods, the bear looks over at the Rabbitt and asks "Do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?" The Rabbitt replies "No"...........SO the bear picks him up and wipes his Butt with him. Bada Boom :p

MedicalMan...that was such a groaner...but I loved it!

OK-

There's a penguin driving through the desert. Suddenly his car breaks down on a lonely stretch of highway. So the little penguin waddles off to find the nearest town. He walks around 10 miles in the blazing aftrenoon heat, and finally arrives in a small town. He finds the town garage, and walks in and explains his situation to the mechanin.
"No problem" the mechanic tells him. "You take a walk around town for a coupe of hours, and I'll tow your car in and take a look, and let you know what's going on."
Great. So the penguin goes back outside, man is it hot. Down the street he sees an ice cream parlor. So he waddles as quickly as he can to the ice cream parlor. He goes in, and orders a large bowl of vanilla ice cream. Being a penguin,he just sort of uses his flippers to get the ice cream as close to his mouth as possible, but obviously it gets spread everywhere. One bowl isn't enough, so he has a couple more. Finally he sees enough time has passed so he waddles back to the garage. The mechanic sees him as he walks through the door.
"Hey" the mechanic says "You b*** a seal."
"No" the penguin replies "it's just vanilla ice cream."

ColinK, while your joke did make me giggle outloud, that's a dirty joke and not appropriate for many people's eyes. Sorry. I had to censor one word in your "punchline".

ONLY CLEAN JOKES, PLEASE! Thanks!

Saludos, MadridMan

I apologize if anyone was offended by my penguin joke.

What Are Politics?

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

Regarding ColinK's penguin joke. OH MY...(clutching the pearls), I think Im getting the vapors!

Long one sorry

Andy and Bob are playing a weekly poker game with friends and family. Andy drops his cards under the table and while picking them up notices that Bob's wife isn't wearing panties, so he gets up and continues the game. during a break Andy is in the kitchen and Bob's wife walks over and askes him if he liked what he saw. Surprised by her question Andy says he did. she states that if he wants to try it out, it would cost $500 Bob is working tommorow so come by the house i'll take care of you about noon. So the next day while bobs at work Andy goes over and has "relations" with Bobs wife he pays her the money and leaves. one hour later Bob comes home and asks his wife if Andy stopped by around noon, she says yes, He then asks if he left $500 to which say hesistates but answers yes, but why do you want to know. he says Andy came by my office this morning and borrowed $500 said he would stop by the house at noon and pay me back.

And here's one for Brits of a certain age amongst us

A guest in a restaurant is invited to choose from the tank of live seafood, fresh from the ocean. He selects a rare, green squid - a real delicacy.

So the waiter fishes it out and carries it into the kitchen for the chef, Gervaise, to prepare.

As he raises his chef's knife to despatch it, the squid looks up at Gervaise. He raises his knife again, the squid look up at him appealingly, a strange little hair twitching by his mouth, and again Gervaise's conscience stops him from despatching the squid (which is embarrassing as chefs tend to be fairly macho types).

"Hans!", he calls to the kitchen porter, "Come and finish this squid off for me". Hans raises the knife, looks down at the squid, the squid up at him, and poor Hans, he can't do it either ....

... Because Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervaise, with a wild green, hairy lipped squid....

Jo

ARF. LOL

Ok, I hope Madridman doesn't censor me on this one because it's a cultural thing and not just something off color .

My wife loves to get a reaction out of me as Im rather stoic (a stoic Latino? unheardoff, no such animal!). Well, she doesn't speak Spanish but she does know enough of the words that she ought not to know!

What reminded me of this anecdote is a post from one of our members regarding brown sugar and if there is any in Spain as she couldn't find any in the local stores. Well, here in the Southwest as well as in Mexico crystalized raw sugar which looks like a lump of brown sugar is called piloncio or panocha. Well, the word panocha has another meaning other than the crystalized raw sugar. It's a nickname for a part of the female anatomy. My wife knowing this decided to put to use her limited Spanish and to take advantage of the fact that she was the only white woman in this Latino market we were shopping at to yell over at me and say, "Hey honey they have some panocha for sale over here, you want me to pick you up some?!" Of course I was mortified as people in the store were snickering, but not saying anything would have made matters worse as my dear wife would have asked me again until I responded. "Sure think sweetheart I need some fresh panocha at home", I responded. "Touche", she said and left it at that....

Came across these amusing comments on the web about London...I'm sure a lot of these jokes (but not all) could be translated into their Madrileno equivalent...

Filbert: "You live in a building with a larger population than most towns. Your cleaner is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favourite bartender is Irish, your favourite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsagent is Indian and your favourite falafel guy Egyptian."

Sounds alot like Los Angeles!